


our days are countless

by thetulipsaretoored



Category: HIStory3: 那一天 | HIStory3: Make Our Days Count
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, But Character Lives In The End, Character Death, Character Death Fix, Don't you worry, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Five Stages of Grief, Fix-It, Grief, Grief/Mourning, Hao Ting and Xi Gu deserve forever together, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon Fix-It, Taoism, Xi Gu didn't deserve death, a promise of forever, fluff so sweet at the end, imma fix that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-02-22 21:35:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23667412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetulipsaretoored/pseuds/thetulipsaretoored
Summary: Xi Gu & Hao Ting imitate Heaven & Earth—eternally together, effortlessly from now on.orWhile packing for the Himalayas, Hao Ting finds Xi Gu's journal underneath the vacant side of their bed.
Relationships: Xiang Hao Ting/Yu Xi Gu
Comments: 20
Kudos: 55





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> In Taoism, knowledge is gained through a mystic path. There are three parts. Conversion (the first part) involves isolation, abstinence, vision, and union. The second part is the renewal of the heart, which is technically part of the union phase. It involves unifying the attention of the individual to the ears then heart then soul. Finally, the soul empties and reality takes hold. 
> 
> This process of gaining knowledge through a mystic path was the inspiration for this fic. You can (hopefully) see it loosely threaded throughout. Hao Ting empties his soul and takes hold of reality, taking control over his own destiny and declaring his and Xi Gu's love infinite. 

“What are your plans?” Sun Bo asks. “What will you do after graduating?”

Hao Ting senses his underlying question, hears it in his hesitant pause: _How will you continue to live without him?_

The time he spent with Xi Gu, too short and bitter-sweet, forever changed him in ways he can’t fully express. The grief is still heavy and has a gravity that keeps him tethered, leaves him weary.

He’ll wake in the middle of the night, wheezing, chest constricted, lungs overworking, trying to normalize his panicked gulps of air. His jaw will ache with the tension of his clenched teeth, grinding them against the onslaught of memories that arise daily, hourly, minute by minute. His body is both ready to flee and fight, but all he can do in response to those demanding, instinctive reactions is feel frozen. 

That’s why he has to move, travel the world, constantly be on the go because if not, he will be immobile, the heaviness of his sorrow will overwhelm him and result in complete compliance with his own oblivion. 

“I want to stay abroad for a couple more years. I want to find different places to travel to. Get to know more people and do more things.” Hao Ting pauses and smiles weakly, an attempt to rid his friend of his concerns for his sanity and safety. “The world is very big.” He adds, which earns him a huff and gentle shove from Sun Bo.

“Really.” Sun Bo rolls his eyes. He stares up at the sky and Hao Ting follows his gaze. When Sun Bo speaks again, his tone is distinctly curious and wary. “I have something I’ve been wanting to ask you, but if you don’t want to answer, that’s fine too.” 

Hao Ting already knows what he’s going to ask; he’s been asked this very question by numerous others, but for Sun Bo, he’ll tell the truth. 

“You told me once that you didn’t like boys. You just liked Xi Gu.”

He grins fondly. The memory of his panic when he discovered he might possibly like Xi Gu surfaces in his mind. When he laid his hand gently along the side of Xi Gu’s face, leaning in close to confirm all that he had felt, the pounding of his heart was both alarming and thrilling. The alarm he felt was quickly replaced by a resolve so firm and sound. He was going to date Xi Gu if it was the last thing he did.

The recollections tighten the pressure in his chest, and he clears his throat, acknowledging Sun Bo’s comment.

“Now that he’s gone, do you not have any feelings for someone else, or do you just not want to try?”

Sun Bo doesn’t meet his eyes; it’s as if he wants to give Hao Ting the space to think through his answer, but there’s no need. He knows his answer like he knows Xi Gu’s heart and soul.

“No one can replace him.”

Sun Bo offers a kind smile.

A thoughtful silence envelops them, and he looks up at the night sky. If he focuses intently on the twinkling stars and startling cityscape, he can distantly hear Xi Gu’s voice, his laughter. He can feel his presence; and though it’s not embodied in the way he wishes, in the way he needs, he’ll take these moments where his love feels close, let it wash over him, beckoning the flow of memories and praying for them to return as soon as the feelings begin to ebb.

“I will make a trip to the Himalayan mountains,” he murmurs. “I feel that I’m ready to see him.”

* * *

Hao Ting surveys his room one last time to ensure he has everything packed. He isn’t taking much with him to the Himalayas: his backpack with the essentials needed to hike and stay in the mountains, a picture of him and Xi Gu the night of his birthday, and the journal he found tucked under his vacant side of the bed. It’s firmly in his grasp now and his hand itches to open it, pour through its contents, and read what Xi Gu wrote.

He’s listened to Xi Gu’s voicemail so many times that he can quote it verbatim, but the idea of his hidden words, his personal thoughts and feelings, causes a longing that aches deep in Hao Ting’s chest. He ignores the near-debilitating twinge and gathers his things, staring at the door that begins his journey to discovery.

After talking with Sun Bo about what he’ll do when he graduates, he had the immediate impulse to not delay the trip to the mountain range any longer. It only seemed right to depart from everything he has ever known by visiting the place Xi Gu wanted to travel to with him.

Hao Ting has a reckless hope that he can’t shake. _Something_ is out there.


	2. though my soul may set in darkness

Hao Ting stares out the window of the airplane heading to Delhi; the sun’s radiance is blinding, and he resists the urge to ask the woman next to the window if she would mind dropping the shade. He feels claustrophobic in the small seats and close quarters of the plane, and the nagging thought of the journal in his carry on leaves him restless. He bounces his leg up and down, the jostling at least releasing some of the energy; however, when the young man next to him scowls in his direction, he stops with a sigh. 

Maybe the journal isn’t anything important. Maybe it’s a catalog of Xi Gu’s study schedule; he of all people would have something like that. Or maybe it’s a sleeping or food log. That’s less likely. He buries his face in his hands and groans. The woman next to him adjusts in her seat, scooting as close to the window and as far away from him as possible. 

Great, now he’s annoying his fellow passengers over his own moral dilemma of whether or not he should read his deceased boyfriend’s diary. He leans back into the headrest and makes a quick decision. He can just take a peek; if it contains information he doesn’t want to know, doesn’t think Xi Gu would want him to know, or if it’s all too much to even process, he can simply close the journal and go back to his mindless counting of the snores coming from the man in the aisle next to him. 

He unsheathes the notebook from his bag and stares at its indigo cover, spreading his fingers across the front. He opens it to a random page near the middle. A surge of dizziness settles over him at the sight of his name in an entry written more than five years ago. He drags his finger along the etched characters and feels a connection to Xi Gu he hasn’t felt in a long time. He starts reading.

_I was shocked, to say the least, to see Hao Ting outside my apartment building tonight. He wanted me to help him confirm something, yet he wouldn’t even answer my question. I demanded to know why he was following me._

Hao Ting bites his lip to hide his smile. He remembers this night so clearly. He had just talked to Sun Bo and asked him if he thought he was attractive. Sun Bo had helped him understand that the way he likes girls shouldn’t be any different than the way he likes guys—he should feel the same heart-thudding, dizzying euphoria he felt with his previous dates. He never talked about this night with Xi Gu, or at least never talked about how the latter felt. Hao Ting knows he was confused and defensive, but he’s dying to know if there was more beneath the surface.

_Despite my frustrations, I could see how serious Hao Ting was. Something was bothering him. I was disinterested in this, or at least I thought I was, but my continued willingness to hear him out indicated otherwise._

_I blame my curiosity for not shoving past him and entering my apartment where I could find peace away from him. My curiosity was only strengthened when Hao Ting admitted that he can’t stop thinking about me. He said he sees me everywhere. What is that supposed to mean? And what am I supposed to do with this information? Buy a better lock system for my apartment?_

He hides his laughter against his fist. _Come on, Xi Gu,_ he thinks, _no lock could keep me away from you._

_Amidst these thoughts, Hao Ting had stepped toward me, cradling my cheek in his palm—I couldn’t breathe; I stared bewildered into the depths of his eyes searching for whatever confirmation he was trying to find._

_And when he leaned in close and said with such wonder that he likes me, my heartbeat quickened, and I swear he could hear it._

Hao Ting remembers the excitement and yearning he felt when he gazed at Xi Gu, touching his soft skin and staring into his wide, alarmed eyes. Part of him feels guilty for causing that slight anxiety, but this night, in particular, he cherishes greatly. It was the start of him and Xi Gu and the beginning of what made his life meaningful.

_Hao Ting’s smile was blinding before he sprinted off with a cheer. He seemingly got his confirmation, but I was left with nothing but more confusion. Sitting in my apartment, now, I can still feel his hand on my cheek. In the wake of Hao Ting’s impulsivity and complete disregard for personal space and privacy, I’m left with a feeling I can’t quite name._

His eyes burn, and he blinks rapidly, digging his palms into them to prevent the flow of any tears. Reading Xi Gu’s journal makes it feel as if he’s still alive, sitting next to Hao Ting recounting their story. Xi Gu’s emotions are felt in every word and his thoughts race in Hao Ting’s mind. The deep ache in his chest has intensified into a strangling weight that encumbers his breathing. He closes his eyes and focuses on releasing the tightening tension. When he feels a semblance of normalcy return, he opens the diary and continues, beginning with another entry.

_I have become accustomed to Hao Ting’s near-constant presence._

The way Xi Gu describes his company and his ability to get used to him makes Hao Ting sound like a nagging irritation, yet the fondness in Xi Gu’s tone has him smiling.

_While studying in the classroom tonight, he didn’t show. I was disappointed in his absence, but more so in myself. Why do I care if he is near? Why do I even want him near? I don’t know the answers to these questions. At least, I don’t think I do. Part of me wonders if the truth is right in front of me, and I’m just too afraid to see it, embrace it and whatever comes next._

_I left the classroom disheartened and confused, only to find the cause of it all sitting outside the school gymnasium. I loathe to admit it, but the apprehension I felt vanished at the sight of him. How is such a thing possible? After the trouble he and his friends caused me? I should feel apprehension at the sight of him, not freedom from it._

Hao Ting has felt nothing but apprehension in Xi Gu’s absence. He delights that he could cause such feelings of safety and security for Xi Gu, but his selfish heart wants to demand that in return.

_As I approached him, I immediately knew something was wrong. He was crestfallen and distraught. An apology was given to me, but at that moment, I didn’t care about his absence in the classroom, I cared that he was upset. I surprised myself by my intense desire to lighten his burden. He tried to wave his worries off as if they are nothing, but something in me wouldn’t allow it._

_I wanted Hao Ting to be real with me, be his true self, something I think he has been trying to do, and that included at that moment. Not only that, but we are meant to feel emotion—even painful ones. We grow through what we experience, especially when it’s difficult. I find myself wanting to see Hao Ting’s growth and true nature. His attitude and actions toward me have changed so much; is it wrong to want to see where these changes take_ _us_ _him?_

The image of growing old with Xi Gu and experiencing all of life’s changes together surfaces in his mind and the burning anguish he feels at the loss of all they could’ve had nearly causes him to slam the journal closed. Yet, he feels compelled to continue; this closeness he feels to Xi Gu at this moment is worth the misery.

_To cheer Hao Ting, something I felt inclined to do as if it were my responsibility, I asked him if he wanted to hear a joke. I thought it was kind of me, but of course, Hao Ting had to be flattered by it and proceeded to tease me about wanting to make him laugh. He dared to say that I could make him happier by saying that I like him! He even stepped closer, leaning toward me with a lowered voice and ridiculous puppy dog eyes._

Puppy dog eyes? He has no idea what Xi Gu meant by this, and he snorts at the absurdity. If anything, Hao Ting would say his eyes are seductive, alluring, enchanting. He doesn’t know if he should take offense to this particular description.

_The audacity of Hao Ting amazes me! To ask me to confess like that, as if it were easy and simple? As if I have even had the possibility of getting close enough to anyone to begin liking them before he disrupted everything in my life with his ludicrous charm and antics?_

_I was incredulous and flustered and THEN he tried to convince me to kiss him! I immediately panicked, as anyone would do in such a situation. My heart raced at the thought, and I turned my back on him to separate myself from his close proximity._

_Feeling emboldened—by what I don’t know—I dared to ask him if he wanted to hear the joke or not. His answering smile was wide and endearing and my laughter was immediate._

He can’t remember the last time he’s truly laughed and felt that indescribable happiness. Laughing with Xi Gu was as easy as breathing and as instinctual as loving him.

_I don’t know what to do with these feelings this boy causes. Nor do I know what to do about said boy and his persistent, disarming distractions that I’m finding are more and more welcome. All I know is that I look forward to when I see him next. All I know is the hollow pang felt in his absence._

Hao Ting is familiar with the pang Xi Gu mentions, but his is a deep, empty ache that envelops his entire being, swallows him whole and buries the promise of his and Xi Gu’s hopeful narrative of forever.

He stows the journal away with finality, swearing he’ll open it again when he’s ready. It’s too much now to process; the loss is too permanent and raw. He closes his eyes and sleeps fitfully, only to wake to the landing of the plane.


	3. it will rise in perfect light

Hao Ting closes his eyes, resting his head against the headrest. Sun Bo refused to let him hike the Himalayas and tour the surrounding areas by himself and would only agree to let him go if he paid _official_ guides. This was probably Sun Bo’s wisest decision he’s ever made, but he can’t help but be a little grumpy about the entourage. He wants to be alone with his thoughts. He wants to be alone with Xi Gu’s journal. He wants Xi G—

He stops the thoughts before they can spiral. 

At least the guides don’t talk to him much; they even offered to move to a separate train compartment. Because of this, he has been able to reflect and focus on his journey, but the only problem with that is his conflicting desire to continue reading the journal. The despair threatens to engulf him in its heavy, torrential downpour.

Yet, the fact that this is one of his very few attachments he has left to the legacy of Xi Gu and their love has him deftly opening the diary without a second thought. 

_Tonight, the beauty of Taipei and the flickering lights illuminating the city in a subdued radiance left me breathless, but I wonder how much Hao Ting’s presence is responsible for that too. The splay of the winking stars across the blanket of the dark sky has left a yearning in me that I can’t describe. I’m not accustomed to living life for the sake of living, to just enjoy the experiences given to me. Life, for me, has been a series of actions that get me from goal to goal, point to point, where I can eventually find security and safety, where I can finally breathe with relief, without any dependency. With Hao Ting, there are so many things I want, and I am equally in awe and fear of the longing arising in me, of what his presence promises._

Hao Ting lets the tears fall; they burn paths down his cheeks, and he tastes the saltiness on his lips. He reads on.

_I have been helping Hao Ting study. I would attribute his success in school to my teaching skills, but I always knew Hao Ting has what it takes to excel—it’s just a matter of channeling his chaotic energy and giving him a purpose for it all._

Xi Gu’s faith in him was unshakeable. He would be nowhere without Xi Gu. He wouldn’t have gotten into a university; he wouldn’t have excelled in his classes; he wouldn’t have known what it truly meant to be happy and be loved by someone so entirely that his whole existence is thrumming with all the possibilities of their life together.

And then Xi Gu was ripped away, killed in a car accident, leaving him with a seeping wound so deep he believes the only thing to do now is succumb to it. Yet there’s an anger scorching his flushed skin and it burns steadily at all he has lost and will never have. Xi Gu was taken from him and he is helpless in the wake of his absence. He continues reading with shaky hands. 

_Today, though, something truly wonderful happened followed by something the opposite of that. It started off innocent enough, well, just as innocent as anything with Hao Ting can be._

_Once I learned his parents weren’t home, Hao Ting immediately tore off his backpack and jacket. I’m surprised I didn’t have a heart attack right then and there. To be blunt, things got heated. I never thought I would desire someone the way I ache for Hao Ting. It’s equal parts terrifying and exhilarating._

Hao Ting’s fury dries his tears; he yearns for something to cauterize the weeping in his heart.

_He held me as gentle as if I would fall apart beneath him as if I was fragile and worthy of protecting. He kissed me with a hunger that juxtaposed his careful hands, threatening to unravel me entirely._

_His parents arrived unexpectedly._

_I was incredibly embarrassed and alarmed. Not because I was kissing a boy and not because the boy was Hao Ting—both of those things felt so right and true that I could never regret them. It’s just that—I am not often open with affection. The fact that I dared to kiss him first speaks volumes to that._

_Currently, I am developing a plan to convince Hao Ting’s parents that our futures will be brighter with each other. I won’t let anyone take Hao Ting from me; I won’t allow anyone to separate what we have. We are threaded together; our very beings cosmically entwined._

_Dare I call this love?_

Hao Ting slams the journal closed and holds it tight to his chest. The grief threatens to consume him. It’s been five years. Will this sorrow ever end? The wounds are just as raw, open and exposed, as the day Xi Gu died.

He struggles to breathe. Tries to let his lungs expand. But the air rushes out and in unevenly. Dizziness takes over his mind. He begs for relief, for freedom from this heavy weight. But the thought of losing all that Xi Gu meant to him, just to save his own sanity, is enough to cease his pleas. He forces his breathing back to normal. Demands his lungs to work. Wills his heart to wall itself in tight. When he can see clearly, his chest swells with his only purpose. He focuses his sole intention on an irrational, fanciful determination.


	4. i have love the stars too fondly

Upon arrival to the Kangra Valley, the guides offer dinner suggestions, but Hao Ting doesn’t have the appetite to eat. Ever since they arrived, he has felt an aggression that he can’t shake; reading Xi Gu’s journal has ignited a fearsome longing, dualities of despair and fury combusting inside him. He lets his feet guide him, passing stalls, lively discussions, family meals, all a background to his hurried, unfocused steps. The outstretched valley before him does nothing to ease his agitation.

He comes to an open clearing of green hills and fields. He’s seething with a ferocity unknown to him. His glare is violent and bitter. He glowers at the obtrusive night sky, at the twinkling stars in the distance. They mock him, laugh at his desperate loneliness, amused by his refusal to accept the inevitable.

“You can’t take him from me,” Hao Ting growls, pacing along the pathway. The blooming flowers and their faint scents remind him of the fragrant flowers at Xi Gu’s funeral—his rage reaches a boiling point. “His life is worth more than your despondent concept of fate or destiny or whatever you want to fucking call it.”

He scowls at the echoing silence; his eyes blaze with a righteous radiance. “After everything. After all we meant to each other, knowing we were better off together.” He sucks in a deep breath. His voice darkens viciously. “I am nothing without him. My life holds no meaning. If you’re going to take him than goddammit you have to take me too.”

Hao Ting halts his relentless pace and stares down the brightest star in the sky. “Give him back to me, or I swear I will find a way to bring him back myself.”

The world is quiet for a moment; all that can be heard is his own labored breaths and the soft sighing of the breeze through the hanging limbs, but then ever so softly Hao Ting hears a voice.

“Hao Ting.”

He spins around toward the sound. His teary eyes are wild and frenetic as they take in the sight of Xi Gu before him. 

“You read my journal.” Xi Gu’s smile is a glowing force that draws Hao Ting to him like a moth to burning embers. 

“Xi Gu,” Hao Ting breathe. Dizziness unsettles his movements and he stumbles toward him, desperate to touch, to know he’s real and here, alive and well and all his to take. His fingertips graze Xi Gu’s prominent cheekbone and he reaches up to grasp his hand.

Tears spill fast from Hao Ting’s eyes and they burn sweetly down his cheeks. The dizziness is still present, his vision blurring at the edges, his body swaying with the weight of the fog settling with an unyielding force in his brain. He wills himself to focus.

“Is it really you?” His voice is hoarse, thick with all the emotions arising from reading Xi Gu’s journal.

Xi Gu cups Hao Ting’s face in his hands. “Close your eyes.”

He immediately obeys.

“Can you hear my voice?”

He nods and releases a sob from the pressure encircling his chest.

Xi Gu lifts his hand and guides it to his own heart. “Can you feel my heartbeat?”

Hao Ting feels the thudding from Xi Gu’s chest, and he bites his lips, nodding quick and sharp. The spiraling tension in his entire being lightens with each question. He opens his eyes and searches Xi Gu’s warm gaze.

He leans in close, breath fanning Hao Ting’s cheeks. “I’m here.” He runs a hand through Hao Ting’s hair. “With You.” He breathes, millimeters separating them. “For all time.”

Hao Ting pulls Xi Gu tight against his chest, pressing his mouth to his lips, kissing him effortlessly and full of a kindling heat that melds them together. His fury is relentless and caustic, but it releases like steam from their connected souls.

Hao Ting will unravel the old and weave together their new narrative—a story where it’s him and Xi Gu, eternal and endless.


	5. to be fearful of the night

Hao Ting wakes with a jolt but is steadied by the fingers brushing through his hair; he leans into the familiar touch. The security he feels tells him he’s home, but he’s confused as to how he possibly returned. He struggles to open his eyes; they’re heavy and he is so weary. He groans against the pounding in his skull. 

“Shh. You’re okay.” A soft voice hushes his struggle for wakefulness. Hao Ting freezes—he knows that voice—then presses his palms against the mattress forcing himself into a sitting position. 

His eyes are still closed, and he’s terrified to open them. His budding hope grows and blossoms, expanding in his chest as he feels Xi Gu’s hand cradle the side of his face. He blinks rapidly, rubbing his eyes until everything focuses and he can see with clarity. 

Xi Gu. 

Hao Ting scrambles off their bed, throwing himself into his arms. He straddles his lap and buries his face in the juncture of Xi Gu’s neck and shoulder, releasing a shuddering sob as he catches him, holding Hao Ting as if he would disappear if he loosened his grip even just a little. 

“Please—” Hao Ting’s voice catches in his throat and he swallows thickly. “T-Tell me you’re here with me. Tell me this is real.” Hao Ting breathes against Xi Gu’s neck; tears stream down his cheeks, soaking his collar. “I can’t—You can’t leave me again. I won’t survive it.” He rambles, on the cusp of falling apart entirely. 

“Hao Ting.” 

Just the sound of Xi Gu saying his name has him clinging even tighter, has him pressing his lips against his neck. “Tell me you won’t leave again.”

“Hao Ting.”

He doesn’t move, afraid of Xi Gu disappearing from his grasp the moment their eyes truly meet.

“Look at me.”

Hao Ting pulls away just far enough to kiss his jaw; his cheek, wet with tears; his nose; his lips. His gaze flickers to the awe shining in Xi Gu’s beaming smile.

Xi Gu reaches up to wipe the tears still sliding down Hao Ting’s cheeks. “I have forever to prove to you that I’m not leaving your side.”

Hao Ting aches in a way he’s familiar with, yet it’s different this time. It’s not a fierce flame threatening to consume him entirely and ignite all he has left in this world, but rather a steady heat that warms him. He feels hot like coalescing magma and earnest fervor burns in him.

“You’ve changed your hair.” Xi Gu whispers.

He purses his lips and strikes a pose that every boy band would be jealous of, or at least he tries to with such proximity to Xi Gu and his refusal to increase the distance between them. “Do you like it?”

Xi Gu nods and smiles, running his hands through it. Hao Ting leans into his touch, his mouth inches away from his lips. His chest burns with a love lit by the light in Xi Gu’s eyes, a luminosity brighter than the stars themselves. 

They share one breath, one promise, one future. 

**Author's Note:**

> I cried multiple times while writing this, but it healed me in ways I needed. I hope it did the same for you.
> 
> I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings about Hao Ting & Xi Gu and this fic. Comments and kudos motivate me to write more. xD


End file.
